


It Burns to Know Your Name

by Pumpkinnubbin



Series: AU-Central [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/F, Oneshot, Soulmate AU, Trigger warnings inside, it starts dark tho, this somehow ended up the softest thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-18
Updated: 2019-08-18
Packaged: 2020-09-07 00:28:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20300458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pumpkinnubbin/pseuds/Pumpkinnubbin
Summary: Natasha hates her soulmate more than she hates anything else in the world. After all, she’s only caused her pain. Maria intends to fix that.Or: the dark yet soft soulmate au nobody asked for.





	It Burns to Know Your Name

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever soulmate au. Not gonna lie, this isn’t a thing I enjoy a whole lot but this actually wrote itself and I really like it. 
> 
> Trigger warnings for physical and emotional abuse, self-harm, as well as some homophobic background. Nothing graphic but just in case. It’s also safety rated.

The name on Natasha’s arm first appears when she’s four years old. She doesn’t think anything of it because everyone has a name on their skin and because when she dares to ask, she gets shunned and silenced. So Natasha stops asking. She’s too young to understand why everyone looks at her with disgust in their eyes. She’s too young to understand why the Red Room beats her every day until she’s eight. Natasha still doesn’t understand but she knows better than to ask. They take her away one day and tie her to a chair and she looks with wide eyes as Madam B approaches her with a lighter. They don’t give her anything to numb the pain, nothing to bite down on so she won’t bite her tongue. The skin on her arm burns with the contact of the flame and Natasha screams and cries. They burn her until the name on her arm becomes unreadable and Natasha has long since passed out. When she wakes up, she feels numb. She hates the name that’s no longer really there. She hates whoever it belongs to. She doesn’t hate Madam B, instead she hates all the pain the name has put her through. She trains harder than any of the other girls and slowly, they stop looking at her in disgust. It’s not pride but she works hard and doesn’t die, and that’s much better. She can’t die yet. She still needs to inflict pain.

It takes years until Natasha finally understands it. By then she’s graduated the program and has made a name for herself. She’s travelled enough to see the differences in cultures; the differences to how people perceive the names etched into their skin. She sees children disowned or beaten, and she sees couples trying to look past destiny. Natasha hates all of it equally.

When she first joins S.H.I.E.L.D. she manages to forget her anger for a while. Nobody has their name on display and in the comfort of the base, it’s easy to forget they exist at all. At least until she showers, or changes, or hits the gym. Nobody ever dares ask her about hers. Bits and pieces of letters can still be made out through the scar tissue on her arm but it is, essentially, unrecognizable.

It’s not for another few days before she finally meets Deputy Director Hill. It’s a short introduction and they’re on their respective ways again shortly after. It’s anything but memorable, except for the way Hill frowns at her momentarily. Natasha doesn’t dwell on it. She’s used to it.

It takes three more months before she runs into her in the gym and learns her first name. She sees the name written on her arm at the same time. It’s in the same spot as hers and what’s worse, it’s _her_ name. Natasha almost throws her weights at her, all her anger and hatred bubbling to the surface so fast she can’t stop it. Maria blinks in confusion and gets ready to defend herself if needed. Natasha isn’t sure what she wants more; bolt or scream at her. She’s past wanting to kill her but not past wanting to hurt her.

“This is all your fucking fault?!”

Maria has no idea what is going on.

“What are you talking about?”

“This!” Natasha shouts, thrusting her burnt arm out.

She’s shaking and she wants to cry because this can’t be happening. This can’t be real. Maria approaches her carefully, just enough that she can look at the scars and make out some semblance of letters.

“That’s my fucking name on your arm,” Natasha starts. She’s quieter now, suddenly exhausted, and a few tears break through. She remembers the pain, the looks, how everyone hated her. “And it used to be yours on mine.”

“What happened?”

“They burned it because it was a girl’s name.”

She takes her arm back and refuses to look at Maria until she has her emotions back under control. She stops her tears from coming and slows her breathing until her heartbeat calms down and she feels like herself again.

“I’m sorry.”

Natasha wants to shove that apology down her throat and let her choke on it. She’s about to open her mouth to tell her she doesn’t care when Maria speaks again.

“My father beat me for it. A girl’s name, and Russian. Couldn’t be much worse, he said.”

Natasha is still angry. It’s difficult to forget years of being mistreated and abused over something she has no influence on. Maria’s words still knock the wind out of her. She’s not the only one. She’s not alone. But her name is still clearly visible on Maria’s skin. She’s staring at it. It’s weird to see her birth name looking back at her, taunting her with something everyone wants and she can only feel hatred towards. Maria lifts her arm briefly and worries at her lip before she sits down on one of the benches.

“I wanted to cut it out,” she admits.

Natasha stops breathing. It’s impossible to see in this light and from so far away but the way Maria looks at the patch of skin makes her wonder.

“I cut through it a few times but it’s not really possible to get through it easily. You can barely see it but the lines are still there. I was too small to make much of a dent.”

“Why?” Natasha can’t help but ask.

Maria looks at her and shrugs. She was twelve the first time she tried, fifteen when she gave up.

“I thought he’d stop.”

Natasha starts feeling empty. Her anger is gone, her hatred vanished, and all she sees is Maria sitting there.

“Did you hate me?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I did.”

“I hated you. They beat me and burned me, and treated me like trash because of that name so I hated whoever you were.”

“You still do,” Maria points out.

Natasha almost argues that but it’s mostly true. Just because it’s gone right now doesn’t mean she’s over it. She almost threw weights at her five minutes ago after all. She sighs and closes her eyes and then she comes to sit next to her.

“We could try actually getting to know each other,” Maria offers.

Natasha wants to laugh. After all the pain they’ve indirectly caused one another, that’s the last thing they should do. She doesn’t want to. She never wants to see her name again, especially not that one. She’s Natasha now, not Natalia. She’s left that life behind. She wants to forget soulmates are a thing. She wants to ignore that she’s found hers. But then she remembers a flash of a memory, something she knows is hers and hers alone, and she hesitates.

Once upon a time, she’s wanted to meet Maria. She’s wanted to play with her and braid each other’s hair and run as fast as they could. She’s wanted to hug the girl that name belonged to.

“Maybe we could,” she says quietly.

Her four year old self deserves a chance at meeting the girl whose name stuck on her arm. Her five year old self deserves a chance to see whether or not her soulmate could be her knight in shining armor. Her six year old self deserves a chance at finally crying into her shoulder. Her seven year old self deserves a chance at seeing how pretty her soulmate is. And her eight year old self deserves a chance to find out what it’s like to have a soulmate.

Maria smiles briefly and they fall silent. The tension has left both their bodies and it leaves a tiredness behind that goes beyond being physically exhausted.

Natasha gets up and leaves without another word and Maria watches her go.

They start spending a little time together. First at lunch in the cafeteria, then in the early mornings in the gym, and girls’ nights with some of the agents. It’s not that Maria keeps her soulmate’s name closely guarded but she rarely wears short sleeves and even then, not many people realize Natasha isn’t her given name. Of course, she’s still one of the few Russians around and there’s enough agents who _know_ the difference and it seems altogether like too much of a coincidence to be one. Still, nobody who could possibly know ever says anything to either of them. It does help that Maria’s name on Natasha’s arm is almost completely burnt away and nobody dares approach the topic of soulmates with her around.

It means they get to know each other in all the right settings. They’re nearing being friends now and Natasha can, for the most part, forget.

They’re playing cards in Maria’s office one night when Natasha brings up their names again. They tend not to talk about it because it’s a sore topic for both of them.

“Did you ever wonder what I was like?”

Maria looks up at her for a moment and then plays her next card. She’s learned that talking about it, strangely, seems to help Natasha deal with her emotions.

“I did.”

“I did too,” Natasha says.

She plays her card and they fall silent again. It’s not much of a conversation, nor an answer, but it stays quiet for a couple of minutes.

“I wondered if you were older than me,” Maria follows up, “And if I’d ever get to meet you. I wanted to know what you were like, and what you liked.”

“I like the rain. It helps me sleep.”

Natasha places her last card and Maria puts the rest of her hand down.

“I hate the heat,” Maria offers in return, “But I’m not big on the cold either.”

“I wondered if you were pretty,” Natasha says and she does look at her this time.

“And am I?”

“Yes.”

Maria smiles a little and it’s the first time Natasha smiles back. This is the longest conversation they’ve held about it since that first confrontation. Maria shuffles the cards and they play another game, this time in a comfortable silence.

It shifts from there. Girls’ nights become evenings with just the two of them and their card games turn into chats in their quarters. Maria seeks her out first and they spend the night talking about mundane things. They discuss each other’s favorite foods and colors, clothes and places.

When Natasha comes to Maria’s quarters next they talk about their childhoods; a time before the beatings for Maria, and what little scraps of happier memories Natasha can find for her. They don’t ask about their hardships.

The next few times they talk about each other, about what their younger selves imagined the other to be like. Natasha admits to having hoped for a knight in shining armor to come rescue her from the Red Room and Maria tells her she’s wanted someone who could stand up to her father and still love her. They’re desperate truths coming from children who just wanted to escape their lives but it brings them closer. Maria asks her whether she thinks she could be the one saving her from that place and Natasha tells her yes, because nobody is as hard-headed as her. It makes Maria laugh despite everything. Natasha doesn’t ask back. There’s too many ways it could go and she doesn’t want to think about any of them.

The seventh time they spend the evening together, Natasha asks her what she thought soulmates were back when she was little. Before she stopped thinking about it.

“I don’t know. I remember refusing to hold anyone’s hand because I could only be allowed to hold my soulmate’s hand.”

The answer makes Natasha laugh. It’s cute.

“What about you then?”

“I thought it was someone I could hug and nap with.”

Maria chuckles and they fall silent for a bit.

“You could nap with me,” she dares say after a while.

Natasha looks at her, her expression soft, and she moves her hand to grasp Maria’s.

“I could hold your hand.”

It’s as much an admittance as either one of them is willing to give right now. They sit together, holding hands, until Natasha shuffles closer to lean against her. She rests her head on her shoulder and Maria drops hers down on top of Natasha’s gently. She holds her when she dozes off and even in her sleep Natasha doesn’t let go of Maria’s hand.

They talk less after that but visit each other more often. Maria pulls her into a hug when Natasha shows up at her door and Natasha takes her hand to pull her inside when Maria comes to hers.

It’s the thirteenth time they meet up when Maria kisses her for the first time. It’s soft and gentle, and not like any kiss Natasha has ever had. It reminds her of the way her fingers feel intertwined with Maria’s, of how safe she feels when Maria hugs her. It makes her feel warm. Her lips are soft against hers and she melts completely when Maria cups her cheek and squeezes her hand. They kiss like that until Natasha feels like she can no longer breathe. They touch foreheads when they pull apart and Natasha never wants this moment to end. She smiles. She doesn’t say anything because she doesn’t want to break the peace she feels and she’s glad when Maria makes no move to speak either. She eventually kisses her again. Natasha runs her fingers along the faint scars on Maria’s arm and feels the ridges tug at her heart. Maria just runs her thumb across her cheek and kisses her back. Eventually, Natasha pulls away again to take a deep breath. Maria is faster with her words.

“I know it’s caused you a lot of pain but… there’s still a lifetime for happy memories left…”

Natasha smiles again and cups both her cheeks in her hands. She feels content and safe and she wants to feel like this forever.

“Will you be my knight in shining armor?” Natasha asks.

Natasha doesn’t need one of those anymore. She’s needed one when she was a child, a long time ago. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t want Maria to be hers now. She doesn’t need rescuing or protection.

“Yes.”

Maria is the only person who’s ever made her feel loved. That’s the only thing she wants protected by her, but not the only thing Natasha wants to protect. Just because Maria is her knight doesn’t mean Natasha is a damsel. She’ll protect Maria for as long as she can. She never wants to be alone again, not now that she has Maria; not now that she knows what it feels like to be wanted. She will not let go of this ever again.

Maria smiles at her and Natasha can’t do anything except smile back because it makes her world stop when she looks at her like that. She drops against her and Maria wraps her arms around her and lays them both down on the bed. She kisses the top of her head and Natasha curls into her. They both fall asleep holding each other and for once, everything is right in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> Softest thing I've ever written. Also, you can find me over on tumblr under pumpkinnubbin. Feel free to come talk to me or shoot ideas my way if you have any :)


End file.
